Sharknado (2013) (TV-14)

This review contains SPOILERS!
To review "Sharknado" in the appropriate, odd lighting that we find ourselves sitting in, would be a colossal undertaking of the most monstrous of proportions. Certainly, the film is (putting it mildly) crap. But sometimes, we all don't want to see heavy dramas that makes us cry...imagine watching "Schindler's List" everyday for the rest of your life. So films like "Sharknado" prey on this need for stupid, mindless entertainment; and in this film's case, they can become famous for it.
To be honest, "Sharknado" is a movie that is billed as being "so bad that it's good" which is a paradox that cannot exist...right? Not so, for if by bad movies standards, "Sharknado" would reign supreme.
I don't know why I feel like mentioning this, but I have seen "Mega Shark vs Crocosaurus"—"Sharknado" is the masterpiece of good/bad movies.
That being is also incredibly, sensationally, incomprehensibly, hypnotically dumb.
The "movie" begins with a deal of some kind happening on a boat in the middle of the ocean. What this deal is for and what it consists of...who freakin' knows?
Two men sit down at a table after we see loads of poorly CGI-ed (yes, I did just make CGI a verb) sharks being butchered on the ship's deck. Then one man with an accent that makes it impossible to understand what he's saying, tells the other man to drink this weird soup stuff. The man drinks said soup stuff and then offers Accent Man some money for "it"....was is it? One thing's for certain, it's not what Bill Clinton was alluding to.
Then the men get into a gun fight...whywhywhywhywhy?...and the man with the money gets eaten by a shark that jumps on board.
Keep in mind that this scene will never ever be explained so don't get your hopes up.
Then we cut to people surfing and having fun while a hurricane hits California.
Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) is not the typical surfer dude. He's got incredibly white skin and red hair, but still, he's out on the ocean trying to catch some waves. He's out there with his Australian buddy Baz (Jaason Simmons) who can never runs out of stereotypical catch phrases. While they are swimming, sharks attack.
Keep in mind that sharks rarely attack humans and they usually don't travel in a pack. But here there are twenty to thirty sharks that decide it's time to munch down on some humans.
They nip Baz in the leg and Fin almost becomes a snack; but they escape and make it back to the shore where Nova (Cassie Scerbo), a waitress at the restaurant that Fin owns, is waiting anxiously. She is unashamed to admit that she has the hots for Fin.
So the shark attack and massive carnage of unimportant characters behind them, they go back into the restaurant and keep serving...because that's perfectly normal.
News of the looming hurricane spreads to Fin and his establishment; and he shuts down the restaurant and calls his ex-wife to see if their daughter is okay.
Right as he's about to leave, the hurricane, which just pops out of nowhere, brings huge waves into shore carrying handfuls of sharks. It would seem that you couldn't walk into the water without stepping on three sharks in this movie.
Fin, Baz, Nova, and George (the creepy old man who sits at the bar) pile into Fin's car and they take off to save Fin's family.
By the time they get to the house, the ex-wife April (Tara Reid) is fine staying where she is and won't let the weary travelers into the house. It only takes a drain exploding and a shark shooting high in the air to convince her otherwise.
Then we meet the new boyfriend, who is unkind to Fin and we all make mental notes about who is going to be fish food next.
Fin's daughter, Claudia (Aubrey Peeples), is not that kind to him. She'd rather be complaining while sharks rain down from the sky.
Nova and Claudia look the same age, which I find creepy. Also, Fin does not look old enough to have a teenage child, let alone two...wait, he has two kids?—yes, indeed.
The traveling companions now need to go get Matt (Chuck Hittinger), Fin's other child.
On the way there are scenes that involve the infamous Hollywood sign, a school bus, long last, the sharknado.
Three huge tornadoes carrying large amounts of sharks are tearing through the city of Los Angeles.
Then there's chainsaws and propane and a romance that is really weird. I think I would have liked it better if Nova had ended up falling in love with one of the that is good drama.
Yes, it's a bad movie. I don't know how you could have walked into this thinking otherwise. Short of being blindfolded and tied in front of your television, I think that it's impossible not to know what you're getting yourself into.
The typical signs of a "bad movie" are here—the horrid editing, the discontinuity, the terrible special effects, the bad acting, the stupid script, and the need for scenes to lengthen the movie.
There is no reason for the popularity of "Sharknado".
Though I'll give it this, the movie is quite entertaining....if only to make fun of. Though it's not really a movie—it's more of something to pass the time.
There are already demands for a sequel...I'm not sure how that will turn out.
How about a sharkcano, a huge crevice in the earth that shoots forth magma and sharks?...I'll let you have that one for free.

Score: Half a star out of 4

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